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Negotiating has a bad rap. "Negotiation" conjures up images of a "coke'd out" business man from the 80s aggressively and maliciously winning a deal by screwing the other party at the table.

The reality is that negotiation is much more 'touchy feely' than that. Furthermore, it is not applicable just in the business realm but in every facet of your life.

Take, for instance -- deciding which restaurant to with your friends: Everyone has different positions and underlying interests on what, where and when they would like to eat. Or, perhaps you are negotiating with your spouse to decide if a re-location it doable for both of you.

So, without further delay, here are my top 10 tips for negotiating based on the book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In.

1. Plan your negotiations

You need to plan and organize for a negotiation like you would plan for a presentation. After that, throw on the other party's hat to try and determine what statements, questions or issues they will bring to the negotiating table. Once you have these, think through them and plan responses to each of them.

2. Keep the relationship healthy, even if the negotiation isn't.

The strength of your relationship with the other party is measured by how effectively you handle differences or disagreements. You really need to separate relationship issues (e.g. Candor, Respect, Trust) from substantive issues (e.g. Fees, contracts, the actual 'stuff' being negotiated). Be dedicated to unconditionally enhancing the relationship and eliminating any issues, even if the other party is being a pain in the ass and not giving you the same treatment.

Like all healthy relationships, you need to ensure that the other party is comfortable with the way communication is taking place, and the way in which the relationship is being managed by both sides.

It is also important to remember that you may be dealing with long term clients, or those you have a long term relationship with in the future. Therefore, sometimes maintaining the relationship is more important than the outcome of a particular negotiation (i.e. Marriage, 'Cash Cow' clients, etc). This also further emphasizes why it is so important to select a solution that is fair to both parties: If one side gets 'conned', it is highly likely that they won't want to come to the negotiation table again.

3. Use the Ladder of Inference to communicate

The "ladder of inference" is a useful model to understand how humans build up their conclusions. In order to best understand another party while negotiating, you need to move up and down each others ladder of inference in order to create genuine dialog.

Let's take a look at it:

Essentially, if you disagree with someones conclusions -- got down and look at their inferences and data and you may be able to more accurately understand their perceptions. Furthermore, if you feel that someone is not understanding how you arrived your conclusions then walk down your ladder of inference and explain the inferences you've made, and what data supports these inferences.

4. Negotiate Based on Interests, not Positions

Most people go into a negotiation steadfast on a certain position, or 'bottom line'. They have decided in advance what they want or need from the negotiation. This is not a good methodology for approaching negotiation.

Why? Primarily because it stifles the production of creative options and harms relationships (Which, as explained above, are critical to a quality negotiation).

Consider the following example (Which I am ripping from the book Getting To Yes):

There are two children and one orange. Each child is fighting over the orange because each child wants it. Like most children would do, they fight until a parent comes along and cuts the orange in two to share. One child eats the fruit and discards the peel. The other keeps the peel for cooking (or whatever) and discards the fruit.

If both children understood what their mutual interests were, they could have both gotten more of what they wanted (fruit and peel).

You can clearly see, that by focusing on interests instead of positions, the interests of both parties can be met and the relationship can be maintained. If the case of the two kids, they can both get what they want without fighting.

I recall a situation where my manager demanded that I stay out of country on the weekend. To counter, I said 'There is no way I am staying this weekend'. Fortunately, I knew a bit more about negotiating than she did and worked to discover her interests behind her position. It turned out she was nervous that if I didn't stay on site, that she would not be able to do the work alone. I explained my interests: I had a planned and promised a weekend at home with my girlfriend and that backing out of it was not a possibility. From there, we could focus on options. Was it possible for me to assist remotely? Could I have two days at home during the week in exchange for the weekend? In the end, remoting satisfied both of our interests.

5. Produce as many options as possible. Focus on Quantity.

Options as one would expect, are nothing more than possible agreements, or pieces of possible agreements. Options flow naturally from interests, since options are possibilities that reconcile differences in interests.

Best practice is to brainstorm and create the largest number of possible solutions: To go for quantity at first, and not quality. You'll want to generate a whole variety of possible options before even starting to think about what to actually do. Like all good brainstorming sessions, you should save any criticisms and evaluation of options until the storming session is complete.

The best negotiations result when a number of options have been explored, and the best agreements are created from a variety of options -- so don’t accept the first option that occurs to you. Also, don't let the other side of the party choose the first option either. You want a solution that produces the maximum amount of benefit for both parties.

6. Alternatives, or BATNAs

First of all, BATNA is not a batman anagram missing a letter. It stands for "best alternative to a negotiated agreement” and you better know yours before you get into a killer "negosh."

The reality is, all negotiations do not have to end in an agreed upon solution. In reality, there are often alternatives that exist which are better than what is on the table. And the better your BATNA, the more powerful you can be in a negotiation.

'Getting to Yes' proposes three steps to developing your BATNA:

1) Invent a list of actions you might conceivably take if no agreement is reached.

2) Improve upon some of the more promising ideas and convert them into practical alternatives.

3) Tentatively select the one alternative that seems to be the best.

Remember: A negotiation can only be considered truly successful if the outcome is better than your BATNA. That being said, make sure your BATNA is realistic and that your head isn't in the clouds (e.g. Going into a funding negotiation thinking you have a 'for sure' backup venture capitalist).

Also -- learn as much about your opponents BATNA as possible. Be aware that you will need to produce options that are at least better than their BATNA (and your own).

7. Are you being legit? Legitimacy matters.

Being legitimate is all about making others feel that a fair proposal is on the table, and also to make you realise when you may have unrealistic expectations. Finding external standards or benchmarks persuades others that they are being treated fairly in any proposed agreements.

Objective standards can include expert opinion, custom, benchmarks, law, past deals and contracts, professional standards, technical specifications, and so forth.

One great example that is given is when you are buying a home. In advance of an offer (which is a negotiation), you can look at homes sold in the same area and determine what the price per square foot has been. Based on that data, you can create a 'fair' bid price for the home and be able to defend why you think it is suitable and appropriate for the market.

For the employed, sites like Salary.com and Payscale.com allow you to determine what your relative peers are making, and you can justify the request for an increase in salary. Legitimacy works.

During each negotiation, strive to jointly determine objective criteria. If you are both proposing different standards, fairly select the standard which is most widely adopted by others (It is hard to fight with that).

8. Green negotiation - Avoid waste!

In many negotiations, there is usually a range of potential solutions/options that both sides may find acceptable. These potential solutions are called the “zone of potential agreement (ZOPA). Therefore, the goal of negotiation should be to design a solution that costs one side little while benefiting the other side as much as possible (aka "avoiding waste").

Let's revisit the Orange & Children scenario.

Recall both children want the fruit. There are a number of solutions, each with different levels of waste:

Solution: Cut the fruit in half and split evenly
Verdict: One half of the fruit, and one half of peel are wasted.

Solution: Cut the fruit in half. One child gives the remaining peel or fruit to the other child.
Verdict: Better! One child eats the fruit and then gives the leftover orange peel to the other child who know has the whole peel. However, one half of the fruit is still wasted and it could have been exchanged at little to no cost.

Solution: Peel the fruit. One child takes the fruit, the other takes the peel.
Verdict: 0% waste. The orange is fully utilized. Everyone has maximized their happiness with the deal.

9. Afraid of commitment?

In every negotiation, the time comes to move from generating options to gaining commitment on one of the options produced. Not all negotiations can be resolved in a single session and Many are complex and will require a plethora of meetings and activities before a deal can be struck.

Commitments obligations that people agree to at the end of a negotiation. A well-planned commitment should be well understood by all parties, sufficient, realistic, and actionable.

Part of the perpetration for negotiations involves ensuring that you are negotiating with someone who actually has the authority to make any kind of decision or commitment. Some people will say 'No' to certain options, simply because they lack the authority to say 'Yes'.

On the flip side, you shouldn't commit to anything you don't have the authority to do, or the proper resources to meet your obligations.